I run across a good bit of blog posts that say something like "sorry I haven't written in a while, but," yada yada, life happens. Like a news cast or headlines about their lives. It makes me wonder why we are afraid to let people into our hardships and, instead, use writing as a means to work through our problems. Are we afraid people just don't want to read that our lives aren't perfect? Or embarrassed that we are human enough to have personal dilemmas and might actually need help? I don't know.
I've always been an editorial writer myself. The in your face, someone should care about this, passionate, nitty gritty writing. Yes, the news updates and headlines are not for me. So, right now, what I'd like to do is get off topic and express what I am struggling with at this milestone in my life if you will humor me.
Some of you may know that last October we suffered a miscarriage after attempting to add a third addition to our family. Well, my due date for that pregnancy is coming up next week along with the first mother's day since the miscarriage and I am having a hard time with that.
Also, many of you probably don't know that we suffered a second miscarriage in March. We didn't tell anyone we were expecting except for family, but as the days pass and I become more and more plagued by my dysfunctional body I realize it is time to reach out.
I have learned that people's reactions to miscarriages are interesting, for lack of a better word. People sympathize with you for a little while and then after a certain period of time- a month or so- everyone pretends nothing happened. Things are expected to go back to normal and the topic becomes hush hush. If you have more than one miscarriage people's sympathy changes to speculation ("I wonder what's wrong with you?") but then continues in the same cycle. In fact my husband's root canal a few months ago had about the same sympathetic impact.
I am here to tell you, after a miscarriage your life is never the same. Nothing goes back to normal. In fact, you have to find a new normal and all you really want to do is talk your heart out about it every chance you get and just have someone listen to you, hug you and ask if there is anything you need every once in a while.
After your life changes forever your body decides it wants to go haywire and does weird things. I know a man who lost a daughter shortly after birth while they were still all in the hospital. Shortly after going home with no baby the mother developed something called "heavy arm syndrome," where her arms ached and the only way the pain would go away is if she carried something in her arms that weighed somewhere between 7 to 10 pounds. The mother didn't put down their cat down for a year. A whole year. Not just one month. Your body gets all confused because it thinks you've given birth and you should have a baby to care for, but you don't.
You might say, well that's different. She carried her baby to term. Gave birth to her baby and got to see her baby before the baby died, but let me ask you this: Look at your children and tell me at what point in any of your child(ren)'s life would you have been willing to let them die? Ten weeks pregnant? Forty weeks pregnant? How about 10 days old? No? A death of a child is the same regardless of the age or gestation period for the mother. Fathers don't make a connection until they hold their child.
So, unfortunately I've had to go through all the emotional, physical and hormonal changes a new mother would experience twice without the encouragement of a new baby to keep me going. Depressed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel on my worse days.
To make matters worse my healthcare provider has me dangling in limbo as she consults with another healthcare provider about what they should do with me. I am their science experiment.
Meanwhile, I'm at home miserable dealing with constant headaches and popping up to 3 Goody's powders a day (that is the equivalent of 6 Excedrin migrane pills), putting up with acne of a preteen, along with my new body of a preteen, and hormonal mood swings of a menopausal woman. I can't sleep and when I do get to sleep I have a hard time waking up. I have weird rashes that won't heal, I have no appetite, no desire to have fun with my kids and I dread everyday. I have no energy to do anything around my house and haven't cooked anything in days. All of these things are due to a hormonal imbalance that started before I had the miscarriages, what caused the miscarriages, what has intensified after the miscarriages and what is causing all of my discomfort everyday. The worst part is that no matter what I do or how I try to put a positive spin on it, I can't fight my hormones. They make you feel and behave a certain way without your consent and there is nothing you can do about it. So I am stuck like this.
Now I'm not writing about all this because I want a pity party or want people to boo hoo over me. I'm writing this to raise awareness that sorrow and hardships for the mothers suffering from miscarriages goes way beyond the initial pain of loosing a child. There are all the things I've discussed previously and then there are the anniversaries that roll around every year.
That same woman with the heavy arm syndrome felt the need to celebrate her deceased child's birthday every year for over 10 years. Every time there is a graduation or a wedding of one of your children, or even someone else's, there is that bittersweet feeling that you will not get to experience that with the child you lost. Every holiday you think about what it would be like if that child were there. Even the birth of your grandchildren invokes the thoughts that you will never get to see the birth of grandchildren from that child.
Not only that but many parents don't ever experience closure because they don't get to bury or cremate their baby. Then there are unnecessary D&C's
(dilation and curettage) which create more stress on a woman's body and then she has to deal with the trauma of having her child scraped from inside of her and leaving the hospital violated and empty handed.
So you see, the need for more support and encouragement and compassion for parents who have miscarried children is needed leaps and bounds compare to what is actually given. We are faced with the fact that everyday something is missing from our lives. Yes, of course, if you are a Christian, you have that hope of seeing your child in heaven and that gets you through some days. But there is that constant pressure from society to pack up your emotional baggage and move on with your life when you really should be doing the exact opposite. That pressure of course gets stuffed down inside and it either makes you sick or you explode.
So please if you know someone who has gone through a miscarriage or a still birth and you know they haven't had the best support or compassion just go give them a hug and tell them you had no idea what they were going through but you are here for them now and 20 years from now if they need it. Then wait for them to talk. It is hard to talk about, but when they are ready block some time off just for that. Then every once in awhile just randomly send a little "thinking of you" gift. Have your kids make them a card. Get a white rose for special anniversaries. Get a trinket engraved. Get her a gift certificate for some pampering. On Mother's Day get her out of the house just to sit over coffee or tea. Cook her a meal and drop it off at her house. Just anything to let them know you are still there and you still care. You don't need to say anything. As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. In fact less talking on your end is better. Never say "well it was God's will." That may be true, but people don't say that at funerals and you shouldn't say it to them. All you need to say is "I'm so sorry. Is there anything at all you might need? How are you feeling (emotionally)?" That's it.
At some point they will be okay and not want to talk about it anymore, especially if they get pregnant again. Which is a very scary time where talking about miscarriages is the last thing they want on their minds. Let them guide how much they want to discuss it but always let them know you are there.
Also, please feel free to repost this, pin it, share it, tweet it, email it or whatever form of communication you use to get the awareness out there that we need more support and society needs to start looking at us differently. Our children died for God's sake, we didn't just have a tooth pulled.
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